I love the Mariners. I really do. And given that this is the first season I’ve followed them closely, I shouldn’t be heartbroken because they’re out of the running for the division lead, wild card, second wild card, second place, and third place in the AL West.
Still, maintaining patience with a team sunk 15.5 games out of first is not easy. Should you find yourself equally frustrated with your last-place team, here are a few tips:
1. Blog about it.
2. Convince your family and friends that you watch baseball for its aesthetic qualities. It doesn’t matter who wins that second wild card, you just love the simple beauty of the game.
3. Find things to dislike about every other team in your division. E.g. the Rangers hit too many home runs (7th in MLB), Mike Trout will hit his ceiling by September, OakLOLand, etc.
4. Parrot your GM’s rebuilding plan until you start to believe it.
5. Blame Babe Ruth, the Black Sox, or a goat.
6. Overreact to every marginally promising trade rumor. Cry when a more deserving team takes “your” player every time. [See: Prince Fielder.]
7. Adopt the phrase “it’ll happen next year.” Use it liberally.
8. Cheer vehemently for between-inning entertainment, be it racing hydros, dots, or sausages. Return to playing Buster Bash on your iPhone when the game resumes.
9. Acquire a taste for ballpark beer. Better yet, stay home and drown your sorrows with affordable beer.
10. Keep hope alive any way you can.
Speak up, baseball fans—okay, Mariners, Blue Jays, Twins, Marlins, Astros, and Rockies fans. What keeps you going when your team is sunk mid-season?